|
 Dear Joel,
I'm a long time reader, first time writer. I really love your column
and try to apply the helpful and practical advice you give to my own
life. So when an issue arose in my work life you were the first person
I thought to seek advice from.
I am one of ten Managers in a successful communications company. Our
superiors have told us that we are the brightest, most successful group
of managers the company has seen in recent times. This leaves me with
a great respect for my peers and great sense of pride to be part of
such a team. I can truly say I love being part of my group of peers.
Unfortunately it's those you love who can often hurt you the most.
My peers make no attempt to hide the fact I am part of a few minorities.
I'm younger than most of them yet I am part of the same group. When
my store or I have problems, I actually have a reason for it. I have
a good working knowledge of the main programs we use to do our job every
day. And lastly I am consistently on time for calls and meetings.
Dear Joel Staff, what should I do ? Should I step down from my position
and spend a few years working fast food so not to intimidate them with
my Age-to-Success ratio? Or when things don't go right should I simply
shrug my shoulders and blindly hope whatever happened that time wont
happen next time ? If Tim Janklin phones with a request for information
on a basic task, should I claim modern technology is lost on my generation?
Perhaps I could hang out at Starbucks with Jay Jungren long enough to
be on time for being late?
Please help Dear Joel Staff!! I can't deal with such deep feeling of
rejection and segregation from my peers.
Sincerely,
Why Can't We All Be Friends?
 Dear Why Can't We All Be Friends,
Ageism is something that should not be taken lightly.. however I usually
hear from older people saying they're mistreated because they're old,
I've never heard of a young person complaining that they're too young.
Thats like a white male complaining about racism and sexism. Anyways,
you feel this is a problem so I will help you.
At first glance, from a complete outsider it appears that the other
managers are jealous of your success or they're put off by the contsant
bragging of your successes. Either way, you have to deal with it. My
advice is to try and show these other managers that you're just as old
as they are, learn interesting stats about Expo 86, I mean, only really
old people can remember Expo 86. Learn to start conversations with statements
like "How 'bout that Paul Henderson, that was quite a goal" or "Did
I ever tell you where I was when man first landed on the moon?"
Age is only a state of mind, so tell a few lies to get by, if you're
worried about having to lie, remember a lie is only a lie if you believe
it is!
Hopefully this helps,
Joel
Dear Joel,
I recently got a promotion in my company into a management position.
I’m really happy that I was recognized for my hard work and I’m
really happy to be making a difference in the workplace. I think I manage
over a great staff, I say that “I think” I do because ever
since I have become manager they seem to not show up for work. Now don’t
get me wrong, they call me to tell me why they can’t make it but
part of me thinks they’re lying. So far I’ve heard:
- My ears hurt from a concert I was at last night
- I’m snowed in (it hadn’t snowed in days)
- Need to drive family members to the airport
- I had ice on my windshield (showed up 2 hours late)
- Been sick all weekend and can’t come in
These are just some of the things I’ve heard in the last 7 days.
Do you think they don’t like me? I’m trying to do a good
job but nobody seems to want to show up even though December is the
busiest month of the year in our industry and they work on commission.
Any Thoughts?
Signed,
Frustrated with no shows
Dear Frustrated with no shows,
I once heard that Christopher Columbus would have discovered America
weeks earlier except his crew kept calling in sick. OK they didn’t
exactly call in, they probably wrote in and the sickness was more like
the plague, but you get the idea. As long as bosses have been bosses,
employees have tried to get away with not going to work. I know you
would think in the busiest month of the year the fact they all make
commission, that would be a big enough motivator. Sometimes it’s
just not enough. We as human beings need to test boundaries, perhaps
that’s why I constantly do things that annoy my wife or perhaps
I’m just a jerk, we’ll never know for sure. Perhaps you
could call them on their bluffs - if they call in sick, show up at their
house with their clients at 5am. My guess is if you fire a couple of
them, the rest will fall into place… or perhaps you’re
just not a very good manager.
Hopefully this helps,
Joel
Dear Joel,
I'm writing you with a rather interesting problem. Ever since I was
first hired I was scared to death of one of my co-workers. This rep,
lets call her "Matty" even though that is not even close to
her real name, anyways Matty would come in every morning, cigarrette
in 1 hand and a shot of vodka in the other. The second she got into
her office she would let the explotives fly, I would commonly hear things
like, "F U TELUS" and "WHO DIDN'T SPLIT THIS F%$^&%
SALE"?" and she would demand things like "bring me my
F%^&** coffee!!!! " Needless to say I was scared silly. I'm
from a small peaceful African country at the Southern tip of the Continent
and I'm not used to working with someone like Matty. I was told the
best way to avoid any problems with her was to avoid making eye contact
at all times, I did my best for a while but eventually our eyes would
lock and I would be staring eye to eye with the "Big Red Devil" (
That's what we would refer to her as). I consider myself a manly man
with a great moustache but even I felt weak and uncomfortable around
her and gazing into her devilish stare. On a recent outing she had a
terrible accident and hasn't been able to come to work. Our store is
peaceful, clean and quiet... yet I'm not happy.. I ACTUALLY MISS HER!
I miss the morning beatings, the afternoon lashings, even the 3am threatening
phone calls, I miss it ALL! Am I crazy? Every day I stare at the calendar
and count the hours til she returns............What is wrong with me?
Signed,
Ben Gernandez
Dear Ben Gernandez,
First thing's First, You need to go out and buy Kanye West's new album
and listen to the entire thing. This won't make you feel any better,
I just really like Kanye West. Anyways, Matty seems like a complex individual
that is perhaps lashing out for Love rather than anger. It seems to
me that what she's really saying is, "Give me a hug Ben Gernandez " Or
she may very well be out of Contreau! Regardless, you need to confront
your emotions. Why do you miss the fear? the anxiety? It seems to me
that you have been coddled to much as a baby and your parents didn't
affirm you enough, Yes that's right I made a comment about your childhood,
now don't think I'm going Dr. PHIL on you I just like to say professional
sounding things every now and then so people take me seriously. When
the "Big Red Devil" comes back to work, don't be afraid of
her, embrace her! Give her a hug! Buy her some flowers! and maybe even
give her your new Kanye West album! If none of that works, RUN FOR THE
HILLS!!!
Hopefully this helps,
Joel
Dear Joel,
Hypothetically speaking....... if you worked with someone who insisted
on creating incredibly unfunny top 5 lists, how would you gently suggest
to, lets call him Doug that he may want to make it either a top 3 (at
most) or top zero list (even better)?
The sad thing is........ compared to his other accountant buddies he
probably seems hilarious. The poor guy just has no idea and I don't
want his feelings to be hurt.
Signed,
Hypothetically speaking
Dear Hypothetically Speaking,
This is definitely a delicate situation. This reminds me of a certain
Thanksgiving dinner as a young boy. My mother always insisted on making
the entire dinner by herself with no help from anyone, well I assume
she didn't want any help, I never offered any, anyways, the poor woman
slaved all day trying to prepare a feast for the entire family. This
particular day was going like most, after my sister said grace we went
around the room and everyone read aloud their favourite " Dear
Joel" column from the last year, it was a great time. As we all
started eating our dinner we noticed that in my mothers rush she mixed
the beets with the pumpkin pie, now I know what you're thinking, 'isn't
this an episode of Friends?' and the answer is yes, they stole that
from us, but anyways the question was, do we tell mom that she ruined
the desert? The answer was simple, YES! ABSOLUTELY! there's millions
and millions of unfunny people roaming the world thinking they're funny
and they need to be told the TRUTH! Half of them write for "Everybody
Loves Raymond". This person, who ever he or she is will be glad
that you helped him or her from future embarrassing unfunny situations,
in fact they will most likely be so happy that you told them the truth
that they may even buy you a present.
Hopefully this helps,
Joel
Dear Joel,
I'm writing this letter to you with sweat pouring down my forehead
as I sit hunched in front of my rickety old fan doing anything I can
to keep cool today. All winter long I complain of the rain and the cold.
Then I complain that the days are too short and the nights are too long.
I curse every time I step in a giant rain puddle or have to shovel snow
off my car. The only thing that gets me thru the long Vancouver winters
is the hope that one day it will be nice and sunny. I spend 11 months
of the year dreaming and drueling of July. Oh how I love the sight of
English Bay on a sunny hot day, the taste of cold ice cream or a nice
beverage on a patio. Now you may wonder why I'm writing to you on one
of the hottest days of the year, well...It's simply too hot!!! I find
it hard to sleep or work, my car doesn't have AC and I'm irritable and
sweaty. Why can't the weather ever be perfect? It's either too rainy
or too hot!
Signed,
Drenched in Sweat
Dear Drenched in Sweat,
You remind me of one of those people that watches a movie like E.T.
and when it gets to the part that ET fly's away with Elliot on the bike
you remark, " As if. " My guess is when the Canucks win 5-1,
you're upset that Luongo didn't get a shutout. You seem to have deep
seeded issues with happiness. There's a few things in life we have no
control over, like taxes or death or even how managers pick their store
stars, we simply have to accept that which we can not change and move
on. Did you know it takes 10,000 muscles on our face to form a smile?
And only 1 finger to tell the world to take a hike! You have a choice,
form a smile or tell the world to take a hike.
Try doing what I do; live life all year round like it's that perfect
summer day. Yes that means some cold and awkward moments at wreck beach
in November and some days on the ski hill in June that don't go so well,
but most of the time I'm so caught up in my own self -awareness that
I rarely notice other people anyway. If none of my advice helps move
to Toronto, my guess is you will be so happy when you return to Vancouver
that you will never complain again.
Hopefully this helps,
Joel
Dear Joel,
I recently went through a traumatic situation and I'm very confused
and upset. I witnessed the birth of my first son the other night and
that part was great, the traumatic part was watching my wife go through
labour. I'm not sure if you know this but labour takes quite a few hours
and causes a LOT of pain in the woman. I felt that as a man, there was
not a lot I could do except shout the occasional encouragement and to
tell her eveything was A-OK. The disturbing part is, as a MAN I feel
bad for feeling very happy that I'm not a woman. I do feel very bad
for my wife but I feel very happy that it wasn't me going through all
that pain. Am I a horrible human being for feeling somewhat relieved
that I missed all the bad stuff?
Signed,
Under Slept and Over Relieved
Dear Under Slept and Over Relieved,
To answer your question of should you feel bad for feeling relieved
that you didn't have to go through labour, Yes you should feel bad.
Your poor wife went to hell and back to bring your child into this world
and you should feel grateful for years and years!!!! Don't feel bad
that you're a man and you don't have to go through labour, you can still
pass a kidney stone or have a prostate exam, there's plenty of painful
and intrusive things that you will go through as well. On the plus side,
you get to teach your son how to pee standing up, how to dig down deep
and burp really loud, you can give him his first beer and teach him
how to pick up girls. I'm not sure why woman have babies and men drink
beer and watch sports.. but thats the way it works. My suggestion is
to buy your wife something pretty, buy your friends some cigars and
THANK GOD YOU'RE A MAN!
Hopefully this helps,
Joel
Dear Joel,
Lately I'm finding myself in a bit of a dilemma. I'm trying my best
to write a successful advice column but lately it's been hard to even
read all the letters, let alone give good, insightful advice. I'm finding
myself less interested in helping others and more interested in boosting
my own career. Every week the great people of Apex dump all their problems
on me and expect real, thoughtful advice. Little do they know, I rarely
read the letters let alone answer them. I've hired a team of 9- year
olds to handle the responses. I found that child labour was a much cheaper
way to go than actually hiring other professionals. So lately people
are pouring out their guts and I'm passing it off to children. This
may sound worse than it is, kids actually come up with some good advice.
How do I get back to the Good Ole Days of actually caring about the
problem and trying to actually help people?
Signed,
Dear Joel
Dear Joel,
I know exactly how you feel.
You must remember a time that you enjoyed the thrill of the advice!
When a new letter came in and you opened it right away because you were
so excited to give advice and hear about people that were less fortunate
than you. Remember how great it felt to laugh at all the poor slobs
and all their petty problems? You have the ability to help people in
an inspirational way. I want you to go the mirror and use the same advice
you've given to others, repeat out loud,
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it people
love my advice."
If you still don't feel like writing advice, do it the Gerry Leiper
way and just send out group voice mails.
Hopefully this helps,
Joel
Dear Joel,
I have been reading your advice for a long time now, and have finally
decided to write to you as it seems that you may be the only person
able to commiserate and possibly help with my problem.
I recently started noticing some odd goings-on at my work place. I
guess it started a few months ago when my manager was dancing around
with his shirt off at a company function (he called it "flexing" but
I know dancing when I darn well see it!) At first I didn't worry too
much about it, but then I started to notice other things about my co-workers
that has caused me some concern, so I was wondering if you could tell
me if some of these things are normal and am I just over-reacting?
#1 - One of the guys here has taken to calling me LLoyd even though
I'm female. (I'm hoping this isn't some regressive behavior due to some
childhood trauma, possibly being beat up by a brother or something?)
#2 - Another guy seems to exist solely in the belief that he recognizes
everyone he sees from Lacrosse. (ie: "I know him! I coached his
brother's uncles' sister's neighbour's fourth cousin removed in Lacrosse!")
#3 - Yet another seems to be getting alot of calls from the RCMP on
regular basis, and although he claims to be going on "Vacation" soon,
I'm starting to think he might be skipping parole by leaving the country.
#4 - One of my co-workers is constantly wearing a trench coat, even
in the office! (this might not seem strange by itself, but I'm pretty
sure I heard an old lady scream "MASHER!!" the last time he
went out for a cigarette)
And today, when I came in after my lunch , I'm sure I heard my manager
and them all talking and using some strange cult language, with words
like "ESP" and "Wassup Brah?" and something that
sounded like "izzle" in the middle of almost every second
word.
Is it time to run screaming for the hills or what?
Yours,
Hiding Under My Desk with my Treo
Dear Hiding Under My desk on my Treo (Lloyd),
The " Dear Joel " staff would like to apologize for taking
so long to respond, the fact of the matter is we got pretty drunk at
our office Christmas party and never fully recovered. My first bit of
advice for you is, if hear someone say. " eat this worm! " say
no! You never make that mistake twice.
Your problem seems to focus on 1 person, YOU! You seem to focus on
how these co-workers affect you, when in fact they seem to be doing
their own thing and you seem to be judging them, or as we say in the
advice business, you're " playing the shame game." I think
we all know that men and women are from different planets, some are
from Mars and some are from Walnut Grove... but we're all people.You
need to ask yourself the following question and answer honestly.. In
a world of 1s and 0s...are you a zero, or The One? Perhaps that quote
from the 1999 Classic film The Matrix will help in this situation or
maybe that confuses things a little more, it’s hard to tell in
the state I’m in. I say enjoy them for all their oddities and
quirks, one day you may not be here anymore and you will miss all those
demented little circus monkeys that are your co-workers, so Relax Brah,
just talk some Lacrosse for shizzle!
Of course if all my advice fails you could always handle this the way
women have handled men for years and years, Pretend to like them, get
them interested, marry them, tell them they don't pay any attention
to your feelings anymore, take them to counselling, Divorce them for
all their money and kids!!!!!!
Hopefully this helps...
Joel
Dear Joel,
Great news! I have a great situation that is going to make me a lot
of money! However, I just need some advice on how to handle the transaction.......
We had a customer call up today, who asked to speak to me personally.
This is significant, as he made a pretty nice order, and I will not
have to share any of the commissions with reps......Bottom line baby!
Bottom line! Now the area I need help with, is not in the ordering of
the product, as I have already done that and I've got 1500 Lip Talkers
on there way, my need is in the actual payment receipt. The customer
has given me a personal cheque in the name of "Bason Fears." Again,
I'm not afraid of taking a personal cheque, it's just that the HSBC
account that we use is not accepting cheques from the Bank of Instanbul.
Do you have any advice on an alternative way of cashing this cheque?
Signed,
Lay-m Jundgren
ps: Good news! They also took the $89.99 ESP on all 1500!! Thanks for
the scripting tips on that one Shawn.....they almost said no.
Dear Lay-M Jundgren,
I'm glad to finally hear some good, positive news from the people of
Apex! I'm constantly bombarded with emails from the V.P. with complaints
of insecurity and from everyone else on topics ranging from other managers
picking on them to sales reps complaining that others may be scooping
their precious little sales. This email reminds me of something my great-great
third uncle once overheard at a dinner party, "Let them come, there
is one Dwarf in Moria who still draws Blood" actually come to think
of it, that was from the Lord of the Rings and has nothing to do with
your problem. Many, many moons ago I once travelled to the great land
of Turkey and spent many nights in Istanbul, however it will always
be Constantinople to me. It's a beautiful country filled with many unique
customs, like bathing with other men in baths of different temperatures.
One of the great things about this Land was their big and bountiful
black market. They once cashed an I.O.U that I had written on the back
of a Turkish delight. I say go to Turkey and cash your cheque. After
closing an incredible deal like that, you deserve a holiday as well.
Don't let anyone tell you any different. I say, deals that sound too
be good to be true are probably better than true! Since you are obviously
a great salesperson I have a lead from a woman that's looking for 7
TCL cameras and 4 Nokia's for a Christmas party that I'd like you to
close!!
Hopefully that helps...
Joel
Dear Joel,
I am having a difficult time managing my email lately. I received over
100 spam email over the weekend. Is this normal in a corporate setting?
My concern is that I am having a hard time distinguishing between all
the spam and potential client email. Can you offer any suggestions?
Many thanks,
Drowning in Spam
Michelle D.
Dear Drowning in Spam,
I hear your concerns. I too have been getting a lot of unsolicited
emails lately. On the plus side, I've found new ways to increase my
stamina, lengthen certain appendages, cut down my mortgage rate and
lose weight with a magic pill. To solve this problem you must get to
the root of the problem, what is spam? besides of course a delicious
canned meat....mmmmmmmm canned meat. Over the years, certain Apex employees
have surfed onto sites that are..well... the kind of sites you wouldn't
want your mom to know about. When these reps signed up to receive something "free" it
wrecked it for the rest of us. As long as "certain" reps are
still at Walnut Grove, the rest of us will continue to get unwanted
emails simply because we share @teamapex.net. My advice is simple, enjoy
the spam, look forward to the spam, treat the spam like a member of
your family. Have the spam over for Sunday dinner or take the spam out
to a movie. The closer you get to the spam, the less you will see it
as a problem and the more you will come to accept it and perhaps even
look forward to it.
Hopefully that helps...
Joel
Dear Joel,
We all like to think of Apex as a team, but let's face it. This is
sales. We're all in competition with one another, and it's dog eat dog
sometimes.
You know what? I just can't take it anymore. I mean, how can I compete
with some of these people? We even have one rep in the company that
directly prospects Air Cards. Yes ... AIR CARDS. He can apparently make
prospecting and follow-up calls directly to Air Cards.
Take a look at the followup on 604-555-4955, and then look that number
up in Apollo. With amazing skills like that, he's going to single handedly
corner the data market. What's left for the rest of us who have to actually
talk to the people who use the Air Cards? By the time we actually get
ahold of the user, get an appointment booked, and so on... this superstar
has already spoken directly to the Air Card!!!
Joel, what can people like me do to compete? I want to sell data too.
I want a plaque. I want that extra $50 on message centre. But there's
not going to be anything left. It's just "wild" what's going
on here.
Signed,
Sean P
Dear Sean,
Do you remember those novels that had several possible outcomes? If
you wanted a certain ending then you would turn to a certain page and
that way the novel was different every time you read it. Those books
have nothing to do with this, I just thought they were cool. You bring
up some very good points and some very bad points. Obviously this rep
is trying to "beat the system" however sometimes the road
less traveled is less traveled for a reason. Perhaps this rep has figured
a way of turning his voice into a printout on the computer through the
customers EVDO connection or perhaps the rep is simply lazy and never
actually made the call...we will never know.
Perhaps some stats will help you Sean, did you know that 47% of all
stats are made up? In fact, only 23% of all people believe in the stats
they hear and of that percentage only 12% believe that they're correct.
So as you can see, stats are confusing. My advice is this, go to your
local record store and purchase the 1980 release of Billy Joel's Glass
Houses. The cover illustrates a younger, cooler Billy threatening to
throw a rock through a glass house, perhaps this is portraying that
people that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.. now be honest
Sean, isn't there a part of you that's trying to come up with shortcuts
in sales? If this advice doesn't help, at least you'll have the original
version of " It's still rock and roll to me."
Hopefully that helps...
Joel
|
